In response to Tomas Young’s letter to George W. Bush & Dick Cheney.

It took me a day to read it, I was afraid I’d burst into tears and I didn’t want to feel sad. But I finally grew the balls to read this a few minutes ago.

I have nothing to say because Tomas has said it all. I can’t even cry for some reason. It makes me sad and sick that he is dying, but this letter wasn’t about him necessarily and he hit the nail on the head. I’m honestly really blown away… but I will say that it makes me angry that ten years ago, as a typical stupid ass teenager ~who knew everything about the world~ (but of course I didn’t), I KNEW from the beginning what this war was about. I was right.

If George and Dick don’t go to trial, I just hope that they are vilified every day for what they did to my country until the day they die. I still can’t believe they got a second term. The War On Iraq is an ugly UGLY blemish on American history, right behind wiping out Native Americans and slavery. I’ll always be proud to be an American but right now I’m just embarassed. Thanks a lot for setting us back hundreds of years you horrible, greedy men and fuck you.

Ew, I just imagined having to see Shirley Phelps every day in real life

First of all: Read.

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Damn it must suck to live across the street from a gathering place for hateful “Christians,” I would just move and egg and TP the place the night before I peaced out.

Anyway, sometime during the early 90s, a man in my hometown painted rainbow stripes on his house in protest a significant property tax hike (welcome to Essex County, NJ, where my parents have been paying the amount that a nicely equipped Ford Focus costs in property taxes every year, yet my brother and I attended overcrowded schools and were issued textbooks that were printed in the 70s.). The protester’s stripes were neon and spaced far apart and pretty sloppy though. It truly was a big ugly zit in the neighborhood, I’m laughing just thinking about it. He did it to his car too and if I remember correctly, his goal was to bring down the property value of the other houses in his neighborhood until his demands were met or at least knew he was being heard. Brilliant.

So basically people who like to paint rainbows on houses are BAD. ASS.

Hi again!

Sup ya’ll? I moved my blog over to hostgator in November but I got too caught up in MOVING TO NEW YORK FINALLY and work to write and make this blog pretty. I will soon. I love my apartment though and while living alone is sometimes kind of spooky and I sometimes think “I want my Mommy” but that’s been happening less and less as I personalize the place so it finally feels like a home. I so have to get two cats though.

My bedroom is street facing (noise) and too small for me to not be claustrophobic in so I’m in the process of turning it into a slammin’ ass walk-in closet/dressing room/reading room. I can’t wait for it to be finished. So basically I turned my apartment into a studio with a big closet.

I’m really surprised at how creative I’ve been with decorating and happy that I’m more creative than I thought I was. I lost my shitty camera during the move so my pictures aren’t too great, but that’s what iPhones and Instagram are for:

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That lamp is my EVERYTHING. I love it so much. I got it for like half off on onekingslane.com which is basically Gilt Groupe for home decor. I’m really into damask print, and got those wall decals for my workstation corner as well as a duvet cover (which I barely use because putting them on is pretty much excruciating). The decals came with a bunch of bigass rhinestones that I was supposed to put all over the decals, but I just used one on each and put the rest all over the goddamn place. I think I’m going to get this chair to go with my desk, but I’m kind of super broke right now so hopefully it will still be available when I can afford it.

The Hello Kitty on my door was actually a Uniqlo shopping bag that I got over a year ago and I didn’t want to throw it away because HELLO, bigass Hello Kitty face. Now it looks like she’s spying on me when I’m using the computer :3 And that donut fabric on my refrigerator… I thought they were supposed to be cloths to dry dishes with. I ordered four different kinds and they were all so cute and I didn’t want to return them. Glad I found a good use for them!

I know I just said that lamp is my everything but today Lena Dunham is my everything, I can’t stop watching this:


WATCH. THE WHOLE. THING. SHIT GETS REAL. I love Lena Dunham.

Sandy Hook.

The thing that’s really eating away at me over what’s happening at Sandy Hook is the fact that in April, 1999 I watched teenagers being led out of Columbine High School with their hands on their heads. At their ages, even they were too young to even worry about dying. Now history is repeating itself and I’m seeing pictures of crying CHILDREN being led out of a school with their hands on their heads. That is SO unfair. I’m literally sick to my stomach and yeah I can say that my thoughts and prayers are with them but I know that’s not going to bring any of these people back or undue the mental trauma that the survivors will have to deal with for the rest of their lives. I feel helpless. This is the fucking worst. I was already not feeling the holiday season much this year due to the stress of moving, etc but now I’m just like fuck it I don’t care, I don’t care about buying presents or receiving them or watching Christmas movies or finding the perfect Christmas Day dress. Thinking about these poor parents who were looking foward to seeing the reactions from their children as they opened their presents that they probably had already purchased, wrapped, and under their Christmas trees just makes me… God, I don’t even know how to describe this feeling. I haven’t felt this sad and horrible since September 11th, even though I think I was more stunned and shocked than sad that day. Now this post seems like its turning out to be about me so I’ll just stop right here.

Rest in peace.

That Facebook thing

If I have to see that stupid copyright disclaimer to Facebook about your precious and “private” info as a status update one more time I am going to throw whatever device I’m reading it on through a wall.If something is on the Internet, then it isn’t private, I can’t believe this even needs to be pointed out. If you don’t want something to be seen or known then DON’T PUT IT ON THE INTERNET.  Like, if I decide to run for a political office (lol), I fully expect a picture of my friend David eating a Cheeto out of the back of my jeans/practically out of my asscrack to “leak” within 2 seconds of my official announcement for candidacy.  And I know I can deal with that because if I choose to walk into that kitchen, I’m gonna take the damn heat.

Also, you’re not paying Facebook. If anything, Facebook should be paying us because WE are THEIR product, but since FB gives us such an incredible and nearly vital tool for every day life in this age, they don’t have to. Time to accept reality and agree to their terms or shut up and delete your account.

Also, LOL at believing that posting a random Legal Disclaimer written by some nobody as a status update counts as a legally binding contract or something.  Haha I can’t even with that shit, what the hell people.

Election Night!

Election Day itself started off kinda rocky.  I was already anxious over the possibility that Shitt Romney would win and on Election Day I woke up with anxiety so bad that I had to take a Klonopin before I could shower and go vote and move on with the rest of the day.  I was really scared :(  But for some reason, all of that cleared up as soon as I voted.  I went inside the booth at my neighborhood’s polling place (which also happened to be the hotel where Danielle Staub from RHONJ had her daughter, Christine’s sweet sixteen JUST SAYIN), voted for Barry and every other democrat running for whatever office and as soon as I cast my votes and the poll board went dark, I cracked a huge smile and instantly I was the optimist I was in 2008.  I stared at the now-dark candidate selection for about 30 seconds smiling before I finally left.  I don’t know what came over me but I’m glad it did.  Also, a car backed up into me after I left the hotel where I voted and I screamed initially but then I didn’t have any fucks to give.  This is weird because whenever I have the walk signal in the city and a car breaks my stride while I’m crossing, I smack the car with my hand and yell obscenitites at the driver.  I was clearly ready and excited to see Obama make Mitt sit down.

In 2008, I was in in Times Square with my friend Simon watching the election results live in an area that CNN had set up with a huge screen.  You can see a video of where we were when Obama was elected here, shit got REAL.  We decided to do the same this year and it was equally awesome, and I dressed all patriotic and shit.  Simon got there early to get seats in front of the screen and we were there for about six hours and it was FREEZING.  I remember in ’08 all I had on was jeans and a hoodie and I was never cold.  I finally felt myself getting sick while waiting for Obama to address the country after he won so I left and went to a bar where everyone was ecstatic and drunk and there were some international tourists there who were happy he won too!  That made me so happy.  ANYWAY, INSTAGRAMZ:

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Does this even need an explanation?  No.  Besides THIS GUY IS FUCKING AWESOME I LOVE HIM.

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Of course Obama Briefs guy got escorted out by CNN security but they were clearly laughing with him.

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Simon literally refuses to smile for pictures.  He had a really nice coat by Billtornade on though so that made up for it.

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Delicious.

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The CNN crowd

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This was pretty cool.  The guy holding the balloons wrote the initials of every state that Obama won on each balloon.  He set them all free after Obie won his re-election.

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YAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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CNN was giving away a lot of free stuff to the crowd seated near the screen so I scored this sweet ass HUGE tote bag and a bunch of other items.  I gave everything else away except for this since its clearly unique and it really is huge.  I can’t count how many times I needed a huge tote to carry stuff to go away for a few days.

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End result. This is me, ecstatic and proud to be an American.  Yes, I wore red, white, and blue on purpose.  I love dressing up on American holidays.  Flag provided by CNN (the other thing I kept).  Dress by Bordeaux, zebra scarf by some brand I don’t remember but available on fredflare.com.  I also wore a navy blue peacoat but I was got so excited after Obie won that I got sweaty and took it off.

While we were still waiting for the results from the West Coast earlier, I went into the W Hotel which was right across from where I was to have a Jameson on the rocks and went up to the 6th floor to use the bathroom.  On my way there, I spotted these beauties in the W’s boutique:

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The ‘Rezzie’ bootie by Dolce Vita.  I’m moving to the Upper East Side at the end of the month and decided to pass because obviously I need the need money for moving expenses and these were ~260.00 with tax.  But as soon as I left the hotel, CNN announced that Obama was the projected winner and I screamed and went wild and pushed through the crowd back to my seat and took my iPad that Simon was using back to find them for a better price on eBay or any other website… no luck.  The booties were the last pair in the boutique in the store and my size… it was meant to be. They could be my Election Night 2012 shoes and I’ll look at them fondly remembering the night whenever I wore them.  So I went back and bought them and I haven’t had an ounce of Buyers Remorse since then.

Also, this happened:

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Thanks to my friend Greg for taking a picture of his tv while this aired.  I have absolutely no recollection whatsoever of what I said being that it was about 4:30 AM, I was drunk, tired, and sick.  Well, I do remember asking the reporter for her Twitter account name after she was done interviewing me.  A few friends and family members did see it though and said I was very composed and seemed really happy and not drunk.  I also I like how the county I live in (Essex) is displayed, haha.

idk how to end this post so I’m just gonna leave you with this:  GOBAMA 2012 FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  HERE’S TO FOUR MORE YEARS *takes shot of strawberry lemonade*

xo, hillary.

Grandpa.

My Grandpa Norman died a year ago today. My parents kind of suck when it comes to death and I found out by my dad waking me up and saying “Norman died. I’m going out to Long Island with your mother to help plan the funeral right now.” I immediately started crying and my dad rubbed my back and told me he’d be back later. The last time I had seen him was two weeks before, at a hospital in Flushing, Queens (NYC). I was with my mom and even though it had been over a year since I last saw him, he didn’t have dementia THANK GOD and he knew exactly who we were as soon as he woke up and his face lit up and his eyes got big and he immediately belted out in a raspy voice “I love you. I love you. I love you both. I love you. I love you. I love you both so much.” I was already holding back tears because I didn’t want him to see me cry. His impending death became reality to me at that point because he was clearly struggling to tell us he loved us.

He was in pretty bad shape and falling in and out of asleep and waking up randomly to moan in pain over the bedsores he’d acquired at the assisted living facility he lived at for the last 5 or so years of his life. I held his hand during his brief slumbers and once in a while I would feel him try to squeeze my hand and I’d squeeze back. I remember I decided to wear a bright hot pink and white tie-dyed shirt and a pair of jeans that were ripped at the knee because I knew he would think I looked cool and I knew that if that was the last time I’d see him, I’d want to look perfect, in his eyes. I didn’t wear makeup because he never saw me in it (I didn’t start wearing makeup until four years ago). He was always a fun guy, as well as his wife and they both knew my ass would never be caught dead in anything conservative looking or just not worth looking at, which pleased them because my Grandmother mostly only wears reds and animal prints. He told me I looked so beautiful. While my mom was talking to him, she just talked to him like he wasn’t that sick and he was going to get better and she asked him how he was doing and he said “I’m dying, Bev. I’m dying.” My mom said “No, you’re not” and she rubbed the remaining gray hair he had, and I sat in a chair in the room and remembered my mom telling me about how she used to sit behind him on the top of her living room couch as a kid in the house she grew up in, in Jamaica, Queens (where my Grandma still lives) and would just comb and brush his hair forever because it was so thick and luscious. Months before his passing, I noticed the physcial resemblence between him and George Carlin who is by far one of my all-time favorite comedians and I downloaded a clear picture of him to my iPad and showed my Grandpa and asked him if he knew who George Carlin was. He said yes and I told him that he was one of my favorite comedians and that they looked very much alike and he chuckled a little before going back to sleep.

I’m not related to either of my grandfathers (both deceased) biologically. It didn’t click to me that I wouldn’t exist had my grandmothers not ditched their shitty husbands and remarried. Grandpa Norman was Polish and Jewish… it weirded me out as a kid because nobody really explained to me why he was white, unlike the rest of my black/West Indian family. He also had such a strong personality which freaked me out for a couple years, and he would pinch my cheeks and I did not enjoy that haha. I was very reserved and introverted as a baby and a child. But he loved me so much since the day as I was born. I don’t think he legally adopted my mother but he always referred to her as his daughter. I’m not going to get into the gritty details of my mother’s childhood and my Grandma’s first ten or so years in the United States after moving away from Jamaica with my biological grandfather, but I will say that my Grandpa saved my Grandma, my Mother, and my Uncle Jimmy and I will never be thankful enough for what he did for my maternal family.

My Grandma had more kids with my grandpa – my awesome aunt Donna and two equally awesome uncles, Jeffrey and Stephan. Grandma and Grandpa also fostered children, and one of them, Sandy, who I haven’t seen since the mid-90s (she’d been fostered by my grandparents in the 80s but she was always around during her young adulthood) and now lives in California. Sandy hadn’t seen us all in over a decade but arranged to have a ton of gourmet kosher food delivered to my Uncle’s house after the funeral and my Uncle Jeff said “Daddy would have loved this” and that almost made me cry… idk, a Grown Ass Man, almost in his fifties and with a family still referring to his pops as ‘Daddy.” I don’t even call my Father ‘Daddy’ unless I’m trying to be cute and/or I’m about to ask him for something.

I grew up “Catholic” since my mom was Catholic and my dad was Episcopalian and it was a bigger deal to my Grams that my brother and I were Catholic and my dad didn’t give a shit, so my brother and I were baptized Catholic. Though none of the religion was practiced at home and we didn’t go to church since my parents just simply believe in God and Jesus and that’s all that mattered to them, and to me too. But there were some Jewish traditions that my mom picked up from my Grandpa while growing up that eventually got passed onto me. I had no idea where these things came from for years because I didn’t think anything of it and thought they were common practices. But to this day I freak the fuck out when my Dad stores his deli meats in the same bag with the American and Provolone cheeses that we always keep. It drives my mom and I INSANE.  Once in elementary school, I slept over at a Jewish classmate’s house and in the morning, my classmate’s mom made blintzes and offered me cereal and other stuff for breakfast, assuming that I didn’t even know what a blintz was. I said “Thats okay, I want cheese blintzes with applesauce” and my classmate’s mom was like “… well, okay then!” I thought blintzes were normal everyday American breakfast foods like wheaties and waffles. And lox with pepper and lemon juice to me is like… the 8th wonder of the world. I’m so glad that I have these traits now, knowing where they came from.

Grandpa LOVED reggae and always danced to Murder She Wrote by Chaka Demus at every Christmas party at their house every year. He embraced our Jaimaican heritage and he loved it. Before he had to have his legs amputated from beneath his knees years ago due to diabetes complications, I was visiting him at the hospital when a bunch of nurses came into the room to re-dress his deteriorating legs. He moaned and almost kind of yelled in pain but he wasn’t mad and crabby about it. After he was all freshly bandaged up, he asked one of the nurses if she was Jamaican and she said “Yes I am” and Grandpa yelled “WOOHOO!!!! So is my wife!!” He was still so crazy about his wife and even though he had just endured a painful process, he had a smile on his face and was still taking in all the good things life had to offer at the moment.

One thing that I absolutely adored about Grandpa was the relationship he had with this horrible cat he had raised since kittenhood. Grandpa had always HATED cats and he and my Grandma always had dogs. One of the things he and I bonded over most was our love for dogs. Anyway, in the 90s, a stray cat had given birth in the garage of their house and for some reason Grandpa took it upon himself to oversee the litter and the mama cat and make sure they were happy and healthy. He brought mama cat and all but one of her kittens – the sociopathic one – to the North Shore Animal League. He and this cat were inseperable. I still think Grandpa didn’t like cats at that point but he had a special bond with this totally insane and really mean kitten-turned-cat (I – well basically anyone who met her was terrified of her until she died). Grandma named the cat ‘Kitty” (she named all her past and future cats Kitty or Kitty-Puss or Kitty-Boy, etc lol) but Kitty didn’t like her. Kitty didn’t like anyone or anything. Except my Grandpa. And Kitty was the only cat that my Grandpa had ever loved. She was very territorial of him and Grandpa spent a lot of time sitting in his favorite armchair in his living room before eventually moving into an assisted living facility, and Kitty always sat on his left knee while he scratched her head. If Daisy, their late Rottweiler came into the living room, Kitty would chase her out while hissing and trying to swat at Daisy and then go back to her perch on Grandpa’s knee like nothing happened while whoever else was in the living room sat in silence, completely stunned. Grandpa would tell Kitty to be nice to Daisy and would resume petting her.

I don’t know exactly what the point of this post is, I guess I’m just finally ready to talk about it after a year and I’m crying more than I did a year ago as I type this. Steve Jobs died the next day and that hit me really hard (I’m an Apple employee) so that week was an all around suckfest. I miss my Grandpa so much and I’m sad he died in pain (I hope he wasn’t conscious at the time… I haven’t asked anyone yet), but he is one of those people who make me feel truly blessed to have ever known. And I didn’t just know him, I was related to him and that makes me one really lucky girl. My existence and life as it is are half because of my non-biological Grandfathers who took care of my Grandmothers and their children when their former husbands bailed. I love and thank both of them every day.

Rest in peace Grandpa, I love you always.

xo, hillary.

Candace Cameron Bure is an asshole.

I was very disappointed to see that my childhood ~teen idol~ participated with all those assholes who went to Chik-Fil-A to show their support for the company and the bigotry aimed at an entire group of people.  So I decided to write a lenghty/kind of emotional (umm I had consumed three glasses of wine), but I wasn’t rude or malicious.  I would paste it here but she DELETED IT (strike one) so here’s the Cliffs Notes version of the chain of events:

I wrote on her page to let her know that I felt let down because she was my idol growing up, being the Full House stan that I was. I told her that I too believe in Christ and God just like her, but I also believe, well KNOW that they love us all.  I quoted the the character Mary from the movie Saved! – “If God wanted us all to be the same then why did he make us all so different?” and asked her why she would go out of her way to offend such a marginalized group of people because that’s not what Good Christians do. They embrace everyone who has not harmed others.

So not only did she delete my post shortly after, but she also banned me from posting on her page (strike two).  Seriously?  She can’t even at least consider the thoughts of someone who has been a fan of her’s for twenty years?  And she won’t even at least stand up for her shitty beliefts?  She is an arrogant and pussy ass God-fearing Christian and just like that, there was strike three and she was ded 2 me. She is a Mean Girl.

In response to this Pure Bullshit:

http://blog.sfgate.com/chronstyle/2012/08/02/karl-lagerfeld-and-the-face-that-launched-a-lousy-quip

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I love fashion and I love Chanel but I hate the fashion industry and Karles Lagerfalddtdalt is a good example as to why. He’s like one of those old ass republicans in some sort of office that just won’t fucking die already and makes everyone (especially women) miserable. Like Perez Hilton.

Also, he can smd because nobody gave a shit about Kate at The Royal Wedding as soon as Maid Of Honor Pippa showed up on their TV in that dress that showed off her curvy ass lusicous figure.  Also, shes not like ten days away from her deathbed.

If you have to be mean to get attention then just accept that YOUR TIME IS UP and retire already.  He’s like a step away from ending up like John Galliano.

still mourning the the original original 4loko

new years eve, 2008.  lol @ my coach bag

i still miss u sparx. when ur original formula died, a piece of my college years died with it.  i miss chugging the shit out four cans of u as a dare at a frat party and waking up next to my trash bin that i threw up in of course because i was so intoxicated with your poison i couldn’t do more than crawl out of my bed and across my floor to the garbage.

are u (the reader) tagged in any pictures of yourself at parties showing your orange tongues that were uploaded to facebook in 2007?  i have about seven…

Here is one of me in early 2009 at a goodbye party for the Original Sparks … yes, you read that right, A FAREWELL PARTY FOR SPARKS. It is still in my top ten list of the best parties I’ve ever been to and I thank the hosts, my friends Carrie and Stephanie for throwing it:

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I bought that shirt specifically for the party, I haven’t worn it since, and it will never be given away or sold on eBay. The night was that magical.